My Compassionate Jesus

I am weary.  Tired deep into my soul.  I could list all of the reasons, the things that have happened over the last few months, the struggles and difficulties…but then, you have your own trials, right?  Some of you have encountered sickness, death, poverty- so you don’t need to hear about my trials.  Besides, then you’d compare yourself to me and I’d compare myself to you, and none of that really matters.  Because your experiences are yours and mine are mine.  You feel how you feel, and I feel how I feel and there’s really no benefit to comparing.

If you’ve heard me share at a concert, then you know that God has taught me much over the last few years.  He has allowed me to hurt deeply to show me His love.  He showed me more about himself, and about myself, through great heartache, than could have ever been seen any other way.  I know that my value comes from Him and not from my voice.  I know that He loves me unconditionally.  My soul is knows great joy…

And yet, I continue to strive.  It’s who I am.  I’m a worker, a “go”er, a “do”er.  This might sound like pride.  Or maybe you’re impressed?...Don’t be. 

You see, I am consistently taunted by the enemy.  He makes me feel guilty, so I work hard to prove him wrong.  He says I’m fat, so I run.  He says I’m a bad teacher, so I obsess over homeschool curriculum.  He says I’m anti-social, so I talk and smile and laugh.  He says I’m selfish, so I sacrifice.  He says I’m a bad wife, so I cook and clean and save and try…I try and try and try…and I wear myself out.

I admit this all sounds pathetic and depressing.  Here’s the thing, though-

I love my Jesus!  I will do anything for Him.  At least, I want to do anything for Him.  And if I’m falling short, I want to fix it.  I’m willing to be tired if it means I am following better.

This is where it gets really good, though.  You see, I love Jesus, but He loves me more!  He loves me so much more.  “Oh thank you Jesus for loving me more.”

Last month I started having panic attacks, for no good reason I could think of.  I don’t feel nervous or worried and yet I would find my heart racing and my breath getting short.  So, I prayed and I went to the doctor.  Do you know what she said, “You’re doing too much!  Working too hard!” – “Ha!  I thought.  I don’t have time for a diagnosis like that!  I’ve got way too much to do!” (Seriously, that’s was my response.)

I have slept way too many hours the past few days.  Yesterday, I found myself back in bed at 10 am.  I’m not depressed and I don’t feel sick.  I’m just tired!  Soooo tired.

Today, I felt better when I woke up and I determined to have a super productive day to make up for the last few days.  I decided to start it off with a run.  I haven’t had the energy to run much over the past month and I’ve been struggling with unexplained ankle pain (I see you grinning and shaking your head).  So, I got up to go run.  I started walking (as I always do to warm up) and I felt the Spirit whispering to my heart…”Just walk.  It’s okay.  You don’t have to run.  You’re not lazy or a quitter.  You just need to rest.  I want you to rest.  I’m giving you my permission to slow down, to rest.”

“Oh Lord Jesus, Your compassion and mercy never ceases to amaze me!” 

I feel like a great burden has been lifted and I’m smiling.  I mean smiling ear to ear. 

“Thank you Jesus, for rest.  I need it.”